October 2011
1 post
7 tags
August 2011
3 posts
Unique Ways to Sign an Office Birthday Card.
Have a great birthday!
Have a happy, great birthday!
Have a happy, miraculous birthday in which all your dreams come true and you are granted great riches and the world reigns in peace and harmony for all eternity.
Hope your birthday doesn’t suck.
Let’s face it, your birthday is going to suck, but try not to cry too much, okay?
Happy coming-out-of-your-mom’s vagina day!
Happy...
July 2011
5 posts
Some people spend their Saturday nights going out and meeting people, I spend mine depicting the arguments of bitter academics via kitten photos.
Foods that sing America, one belch at at time
In honor of Independence Day, the day America finally moved out of Great Britain’s basement, I’ve decided to take you all on a brief culinary tour of American cuisine. Now, I don’t mean regional foods like clam chowder and cornbread- I mean REAL American food, food that makes you want to vomit, then cry, then vomit tears. Proceed with caution, because I’m pretty sure you...
A Reading from the Butt Bible
This morning, while eating pizza on the couch, I discovered a workout with quite possibly the greatest title of all time:
THE BUTT BIBLE.
Now, as someone who’s always giggled whenever anyone reads the commandment about not coveting thy neighbor’s wife or ass, I found this hilarious. So, of course, I did a little research. Did you know that there are Butt Commandments? The Fifth...
April 2011
1 post
Why I Haven't Blogged In Months: Yet Another...
Became a Phish groupie and followed band around the country for 5 months.
Realized Phish are actually a terrible band; had nervous breakdown
Owls. Giant owls. The horror. The horror.
It is very difficult to claw yourself out of a giant owl pellet with your bare hands.
Took too much LSD; thought I was being eaten and regurgitated by giant owls.
Laziness. You mean I actually have to move my...
October 2010
3 posts
Ten Things I Hope To Find in the Newly Discovered...
1. All the cash that was in Al Capone’s secret vault.
2. Geraldo’s dignity + his secret stash of detachable mustaches.
3. All my missing Socks (my lost copies of the 1973 Beverly Cleary novel).
4. A parallel world in which I am hotter, smarter, and more successful.
5. A parallel world in which I am uglier, dumber, and less successful (for self-schadenfreude.)
6. A yet undiscovered...
3 tags
4 tags
22 Short Excerpts From My Internal Monologue...
I am so cultured and intellectual. Who spends their Saturday at a museum watching a documentary film about Bach? Me. I’m like a less pedophile-y Woody Allen.
I should start an all-male J.S. Bach-Tina Turner tribute orchestra and call it “Bach-Men Turner Overdrive.” I don’t see how this could possibly be a bad idea.
You know, Bach is a really funny name. Bach. Baaaaach....
June 2010
3 posts
5 tags
A Letter to My Broken 2006 MacBook
Dear MacBook,
Since I’m typing this using a Windows Vista notebook (against my will, of course), I fear it’s already too late. Oh, my dear, sweet MacBook, you’re dying. It’s like Love Story, but instead of a girl dying of leukemia, you’re a computer with a malfunctioning circuit board. You’re Ali MacGraw, and I’m Ryan O’Neal, except, of course, you were never involved in a passionate affair with...
May 2010
3 posts
3 tags
A Mock Clinical Analysis of Ray Parker Jr Based on...
For my psychology class, we had to do a mock clinical analysis of a famous person and fill out a fake clinical psychiatric intake form as that person. Most students chose people like George Washington and Marilyn Monroe. I, on the other hand, decided to do an analysis on Ray Parker Jr based on the Ghostbusters music video. I don’t think I astounded anyone with my psychological insights....
Instant Happiness
Prozac, lithium, and even heroin cannot hope to rival the feeling of elation you get from looking upon the faces of these llamas.
File under: cure for depression.
(Via FFFOUND)
April 2010
3 posts
3 tags
February 2010
3 posts
Top Ten Things I Do During My Psychology Class...
1. Compile a list of everyone in the class who has better hair than me via a point system based on length, texture, color, style, and creativity. Devise plan of action for raising my status on the hair-rank system and deal with those who still outrank me accordingly.
2. Imagine comical LOL Cat gifs pertaining to the class material, which is about 95% bullshit, 5% actual science.
3. Wonder...
A Salute to Terrible Acting
I consider myself an ardent movie lover, or if you want to get all pretentious and Truffaut about it, a cineaste. Despite this, I’ve only seen one Oscar nominated film this year. (That film was In the Loop, which got a screenplay nod, and you should go rent it now because it’s absolutely hilarious.) Frankly, I’m not really interested in sitting through a 3-hour CGI version of...
January 2010
10 posts
This is an Alexander Pope sitting post
Stephanie: We had to write an essay about why we loved a certain critic of poetry from the Victorian era. I really, really, really wanted to write an anachronistic essay about loving Pope. I’d say how I called him “Poppy” and sometimes “Big Poppy.” Me: I call him Po’ myself. He goes by A-Po on the streets. Stephanie: Yeah, but you dated him longer than I did....
If you could photograph coolness...
it would look like this.
Iggy looks like a saucy sorority girl, Lou Reed, a sexually confused pilot, and David Bowie, well, he looks Bowie-esque.
A Day in the Life
When school is in session, my life ceases to be the whirlwind of excitement, glamor, and intrigue it is during summer and winter break (Dear Internet: Sarcasm). My life becomes as predictable as Pete Doherty at a crack party, with a routine so precise that the Japanese could set their train schedules to it. Since, my dear Internet, I know you are dying to learn about the life of an Arizonan...
What's Her Name, Virginia Plain?
Things I love about this performance:
Bryan Ferry’s singing voice sounds like the cry of an albatross
Spangles
Guyliner
Awkward 70’s dancing
Eno
This song.
I will never, ever tire of this.
The Epitome of "Hot Mess"
Now that it’s a new decade, I think it’s time for 1990s nostalgia to kick in. I think this clip is a good place to start. It’s from a quainter time when Madonna didn’t look like an Incan mummy, and Courtney Love did not have access to the Internet at all times, so she had to do things like this in order to shock and appall everyone.
Insert Iggy Pop/Zombie joke here.
“He looks like a corpse filled with rats.”—Peter Serafinowicz
3 tags
What's Inside a Girl?
I had a difficult time enjoying any sort of rebellion when I was a teenager because my mom was always two steps ahead of me in terms of the trends that usually annoy parents. To wit: my mom was very much into punk rock while I was going through a stage of listening to The Sound of Music soundtrack ad nauseum (not that there’s anything wrong with that). She forced me to listen to bands like...
'I Wanna Be Your Dog' is TOTALLY "our" song.
If there was one thing I could change about the world, I would make certain Iggy Pop played weddings, bar mitzvahs, baptisms, and other wholesome family events.
Personally, I’ve always fantasized about a wedding with a 1940s motif. A sweet little jazz band playing “Moonlight Serenade.” Slow dancing. Everyone in ballgowns and tuxes. It would be an affair so elegant that it would...
Josh Groban loves a blousy alcoholic
Josh Groban is the ‘Schrodinger’s Cat’ of music. I don’t mean that he is simultaneously alive and dead at the same time (that’s Keith Richards’ realm), but that it is impossible to like his music unless you are a 52 year old menopausal woman and yet- it is still utterly impossible to hate him. The man is a walking paradox of suckiness and likability.
Look!...
December 2009
1 post
Another Self-Indulgent End of the Decade Blog...
I cleaned out my closet last week. I usually am not one for cleaning of any sort, but I had just watched an episode of Hoarders where the crew found the bodies of several dozen cats buried underneath mountains of garbage, and, well, there are some things that cannot be unseen. I didn’t find any desiccated cat corpses in my closet, thank God, but I did find a decade’s worth of terrible, terrible...
November 2009
3 posts
Organic Chemistry, WWII Edition
Me: (Trying to explain nucleophilic substitution to my study group.) Ok. So the electrophilic center is Paris. The nucleophile is Nazi Germany because it goes right in there and takes the electrophile. The leaving group is the French army because it just gets out of the way and does nothing while the nucleophile attacks.
Girl in study group: Will you please stop comparing every chemical reaction...
October 2009
1 post
The Strange and Wonderful World of Children's Toys
I went into the toy store today for no particular reason. (Brb, reclaiming lost childhood.) I haven’t quite gone all Neverland Ranch-y, but frankly, I’m jealous of kids today, not because of their X-boxes and giant robotic dinosaurs, but because of these weirdly awesome toys I found today.
This is a Star Wars Anakin Skywalker Pez dispenser. Note the uncanny resemblance to Hayden...
September 2009
18 posts
So composed for a Sunday
I always think of this painting on Sundays. Somehow Seurat managed to make it feel like “Sunday.” I love it, though it must be said that I love any painting that has monkeys in it.
