The Strange and Wonderful World of Children’s Toys
I went into the toy store today for no particular reason. (Brb, reclaiming lost childhood.) I haven’t quite gone all Neverland Ranch-y, but frankly, I’m jealous of kids today, not because of their X-boxes and giant robotic dinosaurs, but because of these weirdly awesome toys I found today.
This is a Star Wars Anakin Skywalker Pez dispenser. Note the uncanny resemblance to Hayden Christensen: plastic, stiff, and awkward looking. George Lucas actually cast the Pez dispenser in the last Star Wars movie and nobody noticed the difference.
A pretend leaf blower. Prepare your child for the magical world of manual labor.
A pretend vacuum. Fact: all females love vacuuming.
The “Fun with Italian Stereotypes” board game! That’s indeed a spicy meat-a ball.
For the love of God, WHAT IS THAT ON HIS CROTCH?
The Bruce Wayne Dark Knight doll. Push a button in the back and the doll will scream at you for walking into its eye line. No word on when the McG doll will hit the market.
Snow White and her prince, as played by Donny and Marie Osmond.
My First Gay Best Friend Doll. Seriously, Ken, you’re not fooling anyone.
These LIV dolls claim to be just like “real” girls, because real girls have beach ball-sized heads on top of tiny, tiny bodies. They were originally part of the failed “My First Alien Abduction” line of dolls.
A life-sized Dora the Explorer doll that claims to be your child’s very best friend, because every little girl needs a best friend with a foot-ball shaped head made of synthetic materials. (Note: Dora will only be your child’s best friend until they reach middle school, after which Dora will start smoking and doing things with boys behind the school bleachers.)
