A Reading from the Butt Bible
This morning, while eating pizza on the couch, I discovered a workout with quite possibly the greatest title of all time:
THE BUTT BIBLE.
Now, as someone who’s always giggled whenever anyone reads the commandment about not coveting thy neighbor’s wife or ass, I found this hilarious. So, of course, I did a little research. Did you know that there are Butt Commandments? The Fifth Butt Commandment, for instance, is “You shall endure the burn to tone the tush.” That beats the whole “Honor your father and your mother thing.” Will honoring my father and my mother get me a sexy, round booty? I don’t think so.
I hope Pauline Nordin forms her own religion. We will be the sexiest disciples on Earth. Our butts will be a beacon of sexy goodness in the world. People will bounce quarters off our asses regularly, and we will turn the other cheek. Everyone will covet their neighbor’s wife’s ass.
In the event that Pauline does decide to start her own religion, I’ve taken the liberty of transcribing the first section of the Butt Bible for her. I hope to one day be a renowned Butt Bible theologian, a sexy, iron-assed Thomas Aquinas .
IN THE beginning, Pauline created the Butt Bible.
Now the glutes were unformed and flabby, and saggy cheeks hung deep upon thighs; and the ghost of last night’s cheesecake binge hovered over the faces of women.
And Pauline said: “Let there be firm, toned asses.” And there were firm, toned asses.”
And Pauline saw the firm, toned asses; that they were good; and Pauline divided the firm from the saggy.
And Pauline said, “Let me make more firm, toned asses in my own image, after my likeness; and let them have dominion over the single, eligible men- over the doctors, over the lawyers, over the douchebags with an MBA from Harvard.”
And Pauline toned the women’s asses, and said unto them: “Thou shall show off thine cute butt in clubs to attract a rich husband. Wear short-shorts, or tight jeans, maybe ones with rhinestones on the butt, because that will draw attention to the firm, toned ass that I have given unto thee.”
And Pauline saw all the asses she had toned, saw the dance-floor hookups of firm-assed women shaking their booties with rich douchebags, and behold, they were all very drunk.
And on the seventh day of workouts, Pauline rested with some whole-wheat pita chips and a Tivo’d episode of Drop Dead Diva.
NEXT TIME: I write about the tradition of Assover.
