Perpetual Anticipation

Foods that sing America, one belch at at time

In honor of Independence Day, the day America finally moved out of Great Britain’s basement, I’ve decided to take you all on a brief culinary tour of American cuisine. Now, I don’t mean regional foods like clam chowder and cornbread- I mean REAL American food, food that makes you want to vomit, then cry, then vomit tears. Proceed with caution, because I’m pretty sure you can get a heart attack from just reading about these foods.

Deep-Fried Heart Attack.

If there is a food product that is small enough to fit inside a deep-fryer, Americans will fry it. And then they’ll fry it again, for good measure, just to make sure it’s filled with enough tasty trans-fats. It doesn’t matter what that food item is, or if it will taste even remotely palatable fried. Someday, Americans will find a way to deep-fry a heart attack and serve it with a side of butter. But until that day arrives, we have deep-fried Coca Cola.

This is a Coca-Cola-infused batter topped with a Coca-Cola syrup and whipped cream.

However, fried soda pop does not even remotely rival the the almighty Zeus of the fried-food world, deep-fried butter.

Basically, you are eating fat cooked in fat. Now, I’m sure it tastes delicious, but if you’re like me and have seen the organs of a deceased morbidly obese woman, the prospect of eating fried fat is not so appealing. I’m sure the dead lady with the aorta the size of Alaska enjoyed fried butter, too.

Baconalia

America is bacon-crazy. Denny’s, America’s number one drunk hangout, recently did a celebration devoted entirely to bacon called ‘Baconalia’, which brings to mind a bunch of hoofed guys having giant orgies with strips of bacon. They sold bacon-enriched items like bacon sundaes and bacon pancakes.

I…I actually ate these pancakes. It’s not something I’m proud of, but it happened. I’ve come to terms with it, and I’ve moved on with my life. You see, the bacon gets tough when cooked inside a pancake, so it’s a bit like eating bacon-flavored rope stuffed inside a pancake. It was the culinary equivalent of going out to a club, getting drunk, making out with your cousin, and then passing out in an alley way. Which, incidentally, is what most people do before going to Denny’s. From now on, I’m sticking with chocolate-covered bacon.

Foods Stuffed in Other Foods

If Socrates were alive today and living in America, he would be devising syllogisms like, “Hey, I like Food A, and I like Food B, then I must like Food A stuffed inside of Food B!” Surely they must be good together, right?

Wrong. That’s chocolate and sausage in the same “meal.” Whatever it is, it’s a pairing of such unspeakably bad taste that it could only be rivaled by Ke$ha and Miley Cyrus teaming up to sing a three-hour long concert of Nickelback songs.

So, what about putting together similar items that don’t clash taste-wise? Maybe some meats?

Ah, Turducken. A duck filled with pork sausage, stuffed inside a chicken, stuffed inside a turkey. Perhaps one day, some brave culinary adventurer will continue this fine tradition further up the food scale. I dream of a world where my children can dine on a Turducken stuffed inside an ocelot, stuffed inside a bear.

Happy 4th of July everyone!